Odell Brewing (Ft. Collins, CO)

At this point in the day, when we arrived at the Odell brewery, we had just finished off New Belgium and FCB, both of whom served up some stiff competition.  Hell, even at this point in the tour we’d seen some heavy-hitting beers strut their stuff, so when we finally got to Odell (which was kind of a big deal for me) I had some pretty high expectations.  If New Belgium has been eclipsed by any other brewery in Colorado, its fair to say that it would have to be Odell.  Maybe not as widely distributed at New Belgium, but they’re certainly hot on their heels.  And hey, what does distribution really mean?  If that’s a mark of a good beer, then Anheuser-Busch has them all beat, but I don’t even need to tell you about the degree of inferiority which those beers stand by. 

Odell has certainly been on the up and up over the last few years, especially with their hardest hitting beers 90 schilling, 5 barrel, Cutthroat Porter, and their IPA.  So when we got to the brewery, we brushed these “standards” aside in order to sample the plethora of other hidden treasures they had there only on tap.  Yet, no one’s perfect, and though there are some great beers Odell brews, there were also some “okay” beers.  Lets get to the snobbery…

90 Schilling:  Likely their best bottled beer.  Not exactly an amber, but not quite powerful enough to wear the kilt of a scotch ale, this beer instead lingers in limbo, but offers up such a smooth mixture of malts and hops that it indeed stands alone.  As the bottle will tell you, the name comes from the Scottish way of taxing beer, by which only the highest-quality beers were taxed the English currency of 90 schillings.  Not exactly sure how much that is here in America, where we’re really big on taxing, but I’m sure its worth it. 

IPA:  Another personal favorite.  With this beer, I’m a little suspicious that it benefits from quality labeling.  I mean, just look at that elephant dancing around, and that strangely hypnotizing orange hue on its label, as orange and seductive as the beer itself!  Maybe not the most impressive IPA in the world, but certainly one of distinction, and one of distinction you can probably find at the store.  Finely malted to match it’s hoppy soul, and potent a plenty.

Myrcenary Double IPA:  Though I’m a big fan of IPAs, I’m more importantly a fan of IPAs done right.  This one wasn’t too bad, but it came on a little too strong and fruity.  I could make a million jokes with that one, but this is serious business, people!  Serious!

Mash of the Titan:  Hold the phones!  It’s a showstopper!  We have a new champion!  This stout conquers the weak!  Rich in dankness, vanilla, dank, creaminess, thick dankness , potency, and more quality dank, this beer gave us the proverbial slap in the jowls.  Left Hand still holds a special place in my heart with their miraculous Wake Up Dead, but this one may have ‘em down for the count.

Bourbon Barrel Stout:  Holy sheep!  Wait…Wait!  We have another show stopper!  A new NEW champion!  Forgot that mash of the titan nonsense, no no, this is the beer to enslave humanity!  Take your finest stout ever, than condition it in bourbon oak barrels, and you get the sweetest, smoothest gem of dark beer possible.  If the rapture ever happens, and all those good zombies rise from the grave and queue up for an eternity of bliss, this is the beer they’ll be served while waiting.  Yeah.  Good.

Rating:  46-50 penguin chili cook-offs.   

Fort Collins Brewing, (Ft. Collins, CO)

Ahhh, the pint glass.  Maybe it’s just me, but there’s something comforting and reassuring about the average pint glass you find in a bar.  Something that queues that little Pavlov dog in my brain to salivate uncontrollably.   Something that says “Don’t worry, Daniel, your friend is here now.”  Especially when it’s filled with so much good beer. 

Just look at it.  All that beautiful liquid gold shimmering through the beads of condensation, trickling down its glassy sides.  The weight of it in your hand, a mere pound, hefty with so much delicious glory and promise.  Even the feel of it in your hand, as if your wrist and hand have been brought to a natural, neutral position for healing. 

Does this sound like the ravings of an alcoholic, lost in his own addled mind, brimming with beer and dopamine?  Some one who’s clearly lost touch with their inner child and instead spending all their time playing with their inner drunk?  Maybe the gibbering of a man trying to blog drunk?  Yes, it does, but remember one thing:  I am no mere drunk.  I’m a professional.  A professional pays acute attention to details, aspiring to a level of such mastery that nothing remains trivial.  My enthusiasm for beer goes way beyond mere enjoyment and hobby.  I enjoy it professionally, which gives me full right to waste all this space talking about pint glasses.  I’m also a little drunk.

 

Wheat Wine:  So, one of our contacts in Ft. Collins confided in us that he wasn’t that big a fan of FBC (Ft. Collins Brewery) because their beers are “too smoky”.  Well, Drew, be that as it may, but I’d call you a liar.  This smooth wheat cousin to barley wine has nothing smoky about it and is superb.  Now, unless Drew meant that these beers are Smokey, as in awesome, fearless, and passionate like Smokey the Bear, then that would make more sense.

Common Ground Amber:  Coffee infused amber beer, and surprisingly good.  Tastes either like bad coffee or good beer.

Red Hot Chili Porter:  Nacho-like beer.  Seriously.  It kind of tastes like nachos you’d get at a high school basketball game.  “Probably good with Mexican wrestling.”  Touché, but I didn’t find it too my liking.

Rating:  58-70 snail geniuses.

New Belgium Brewing (Ft. Collins, CO)

 

Sour Beer indifferent to my notepad

Ah yes, the moment you may have been waiting for.  New Belgium Brewery.  The  Mecca of micro-brews.  The New Belgium Brewery itself is something to behold.  As a company they’ve managed to reduce their carbon footprint so much that you may as well call them completely self sufficient.  The process of making beer itself produces quite a lot of waste, either in cooked barley, waste water, and CO2 from all the energy required to brew it.  But New Belgium, among other more modern breweries out there, has taken the initiative to reduce their energy use from carbon fuels by becoming completely wind and solar powered and making their natural gas usage more efficient.  By treating their waste water with aerobic and anaerobic microbes, they are able to not only clean their waste water completely, but also harness the excess methane gas to power an on site turbine that in turn produces more green energy.  They even sell their spent grain from making the wort to feed cattle.  Frickin’ awesome! 

But the beer, the beer!  To say the beer New Belgium has been producing over the last twenty years was pivotal in inspiring the microbrew movement would be an understatement.  Personally, if it wasn’t for Fat Tire, I may have grown up thinking that Amber Bock or Michelob Ultra was really good beer.  Since those fateful days of senior year in high school, I’ve been pursuing quality brews wherever they may be found, all thanks to New Belgium.  Some may argue that New Belgium just isn’t what it used to be, or that they’ve become overshadowed by other fine breweries like their neighbors Odells, but quite frankly, that’s beside the point.  New Belgium has quite possibly been the gateway beer that has attracted so many youths like myself to put down the 12 pack of PBR and spend that extra few bucks to get Fat Tire, 2 Below, Beir du Marz, 1554, Tripple, or many of New Belgium’s other craft beers.  And is it any surprise that their distribution range has expanded nearly to the East coast?  What other young micro-brewery can tout that kind of success?  For me, when I first visited New Belgium a couple years ago for the first time, it was akin to a holy pilgrimage, something that every beer enthusiast dreams of, and returning again now certainly had a similar effect. 

Elite Fat Tire assault bikes.

Fat Tire:  Just in case you haven’t had a Fat Tire in the last 20 years of its existence, I’ll do my best to critique it.  If you have, you know full well how good it is.  Maybe not the best beer ever, but what it lacks in pizzazz it impresses with in cool, collected style and taste.  It’s the kind of amber by which all others must be judged.  Sweet, caramely, and down right refreshing.  Damn, makes me wish I were drinking one right now.

1554 Black Ale:  The darkest of NB’s brews, it’s based on a Belgium dark lager recipe that the master brewer picked up on while making his historic bike tour of Belgium way back in 1989.  It was the year 1554 that it was first introduced.  Dark (duh), malty, smooth, and hypnotizing, it is one of my favorite NB beers.

Bier Du Marz:  Though Beir Du Marz is no longer made, it was NB’s “octoberfestiest” beer that they produced, and damned if it wasn’t good and deserves some space in the hall of great beers in the sky, where all beers go to die.

Kick Sour Beer:  For their in-house specials that you can’t find bottled, NB had an array of sour beers on tap.  This one was a fall seasonal sour that combined pumpkin and cranberry with the jaw-curling power of sour beer.  Its smoothest sour yet and smacking of starbursts a little.

A space bug among us?

La Folie:  Their original sour beer, this is, amongst some, the nectar by which magical space bugs travel through space and time to secretly infest our planet and suckle upon.  Personally, the space bugs can have it, but Ali thinks it’s the best sour yet.  I’ve also been a little suspicious lately that Ali is indeed a space bug.

Rating:  139 out of 203 weaponized fortune cookies. 

Equinox Brewing (Fort Collins, CO)

 After a brief reunion with friends at Funk Werks, it was time to check off yet another brewery and tack on another.  We mounted our nimble aluminum steads and set off into the setting sun to find the acclaimed Equinox brewery.  Fortunately, you don’t need to go too far.

Equinox isn’t much to look at as a brewery goes, but the over all ambiance and image that make it into more of a modern café than brew pub is as refreshing and comforting as its brew.  A little comforting was exactly what we needed as we set out to sample the two cosmological flights of beer we had ordered.  Seeing that few if any of these beers had any abv% below a 5 or 5.5 (I’d put the average more at 6.5) and IBU levels up around the troposphere, I could not help a foreboding sense of imminent revelry coming on. 

Ali's enthusiasm is striking

Imperial Heffeweisen:  Sweet, thick, potent…even a little erotic.  Seriously, you could probably sue this beer for sexual harassment it’s so good.

Atom Smasher Wee Heavy:  “If you were a giant and attacked a village and drank a brew house, this is what it would taste like.”  Ali’s keen observations on the subtle tastes of beers are always note worthy.  And in some regards, this beer kinda does taste like if you were to eat a brew house.  Maple syrupy goodness, malty and thick…this beer might come off as a bit much, but than again, you did just eat an entire house.

Eclipse Brown Ale:  Toast, walnuts, brown sugar.  Like drinking pancakes. 

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Event Horizon IPA:  Goose bumps were an immediate reaction for the both of us.  Sweet yet powerful, packing a 140 IBU’s (!).  One might think that that amount of hops would surely crush your taste buds and induce vomiting…but instead you feel somehow pulled into a new reality of an IPA, almost feel reality being crushed around you.  Pretty good.

Galaxy IPA:  And just as you feel as if the limits of beer reality can’t be breached further, that the very laws of physics will not…can not…permit it, well, you’re right.  They can’t.  At least not with this beer.  Good, fruity, refreshing if you’re good with IPAs, but Ali just couldn’t hang.  Hey, everyone’s got their own palate to satisfy.

Rating:  458.47000001211 out of pi.

Funk Werks (Fort Collins, CO)

Though it had been fun wheeling and dealing in Denver, it was good to be back on the road.  That open expanse of unseen country, unfolding before you.   New sights, people, and beers, just waiting to be introduced.  Ft. Collins was also a much anticipated destination, for the obvious reason of being home to two of the largest micro breweries in the Western United States: New Belgium and Odells.  But aside from these two giants of industry, there are nine breweries in Ft. Collins, and seemingly more popping up every year.

Ft. Collins is also a city of vision, of the future.  Bike libraries can be found throughout the city, allowing for people who register with the city to check a bike out, cruise it, and return it to where ever you find another bike library.  Magic art pianos have been installed around downtown in order to coddle any homeless prodigies out of obscuria.  Did I mention the nine breweries too?  Clearly any city with that much craft beer has got its ducks lined up pretty well.

For our first evening, we’d planned to tackle three breweries, Funkwerks, Equinox, and Coppersmith.  Funkwerks is one of Ft. Collins’ new kids on the block, having been around for a few years.  They also specialize in saison style of beers, French/Belgium farmhouse style of brewing lighter beer and then letting them ferment and mature through the winter in order to have beer reserves for farm workers during the summer.  The taste of saison (or session) beers typically tends towards lighter, less hoppy beer, but full of wonderful taste created by the malt and yeast. 

Chardonnay blonde:  Conditioned and aged in chardonnay wine barrels, this is quite possibly one of the best blondes we’ve ever had.  Crisp and sweet, this beer certainly carries the taste of the chardonnay with it to the finish. 

Keylime Saison:  Yep, infused with key lime zest.  Who’d of thunk it?  Well, these guys did, I guess.  Not bad, but you’re probably well aware of my opinion of fruit and beer fusions.  It’s like reading a band flyer that says jazz/funk/rock/dubstep fusion on it:  you’re really not sure what you’re going to get, and it’ll probably suck anyway.  This beer is so pale it’s almost crystal clear, but is able to satisfy in the end.

Hibiscus Resistance:  Brewed with hibiscus flowers, it would be tempting to mock this beer by not calling it floral, but what can I say here that’s not going to be a pun?  Another quality beer, rich in color and flavor, just like the flower.

Rating:  20 out of 25 late night back ally Mexican wrestling matches.

Great Divide (Denver, CO)

 At this point in the trip, we’d finally hit the sandy shoal of over indulgence.  We had suckled from the greatest taps in Colorado, and now were left in somewhat of a terminal velocity of beer appreciation.  Denver alone still harbored many fine breweries…but so what?  Could it be possible that we had become so thoroughly saturated on quality ales that our red noses were getting blue?  Of course not!  All we really needed was a little exercise, stretch out those drinking muscles burn off a few hundred-beer calories, and we’d be fit for action in no time!  Fortunately, the Denver area has many fine recreation centers and a damned good climbing wall.

Denver's Laser Space Defense System

Nonetheless, even after some much needed recreation that didn’t involve drinking, we were still short on time for visiting and thoroughly appreciating much of Denver’s beers. I would mention Wynkoop’s beers here, but since we didn’t fully sample their beers, I wouldn’t be able to properly praise or defame them respectfully.  What we did have was alright, but not enough to say it was good or garbage.  We did make it down to Great Divide, however, and were able to fully document the experience enough for the enjoyment of you dear readers.

Samurai Rice Beer:  Brewed with rice, this light lager styled beer tastes much better than Saporo or Kirin Ichiban, which are just lagers from Asia.  This beer has a sweet, smooth ricey finish to it, and also packs a pretty heavy hit.  If it doesn’t meet your expectations, one of the brewers will also commit seppuku in order to maintain the honor of the brewery. 

beer vats hard at work

Scotch Ale:  This Scotch tasted like someone had just received a huge ransom from a banking institution after taking a few of their 1% highest paid employees hostage and demanding millions or they’d start depositing bits and pieces of them at various ATMs: the sweet, malty bite of revenge.

Smoked Porter:  I’m not exactly sure how one achieves a smoky taste in a beer, but some beers taste like they have had liquid smoke extract just dumped into the vats with the beer, and others actually taste good.  This one teeters on the edge of both.  I think a beer with added flavors must walk a very fine line or threaten becoming a coctail, and a terrible one at that.  I leave this one up to interpretation, but I’m personally indifferent. 

Beer snobs hard at work

Yeti Imperial Stout:  I’ve learned now that “imperial” labeling of a beer means it’s been pure bred to whoop ass.  Stronger and more powerful, it’s like a Superman kryptonian style of beer; some of that 1% super rich beer; the stuff getting passed around back stage at a Snoop Dogg concert.  Usually.  This beer indeed was, but be warned, some people like to make phony back-stage pass knock-offs that can’t walk the walk.  Great Divide also does their Stout in a variety of ways, aged in oak barrels, chocolated up, or infused with espresso, so pick and choose which one’s you like.

Rating:  423 out of 789 zombie garbage trucks.

Left Hand Brewery (Longmont, CO)

 

All left handed

From Oscar Blues we continued our trek into Longmont, which is just outside of Boulder.  In Longmont, our trip had finally cultivated at one of our most anticipated breweries for the whole trip: Left Hand Brewery.  Left Hand is the home of many quality beers, such as the milk stout, which Ali claims was the beer that converted her into a beer enthusiast.  This Sunday was indeed turning into quite the religious experience, and Left Hand did not disappoint. 

What should be understood about Left Hand Brewery is that they specialize in dark, rich, juicy, somewhat orgasmic beers.  Forget lagers, blondes, or ambers, Left Hand does a Pale, IPA, and then the dankest dark beer in the world.  I wager that this may be my favorite brewery this tour (though there are many more contestants to come) but Left Hand left me feeling euphoric and elated, misting-up a little even with dark chocolaty tears.

The source of so much glory

400 lb. Monkey (IPA):  This English-style IPA may not impress everyone, but it’s certainly good enough to make it onto the list. 

Black Jack Porter:  A thick, chocolaty brew, you may feel as if you’re being refreshed with a smooth, cold beer or by washing your face with molten liquid gold.  Ahhhh…love the way that molten hot gold exfoliates and softens.

A rare photo of Ali sneezing and laughing

Milk Stout:  If you haven’t tried the milk stout by now, you may be guilty of wasting your entire life.  If you’ve been drinking Guiness all this time and thinking that this is what a quality stout tastes like, then you most certainly have been wasting your entire life.  Though chocolaty sweet and smooth, unconventional for a stout, you can’t hold a finger against this one.  Getting this beer on nitro tap makes it even better.

Fade to Black:  This is Left Hand’s seasonal Pepper Porter, the third edition.  Do you see a trend here?  You got the part about the specializing in dank, dark beers, right?  One might think that brewing peppercorns with a porter would only add to its demise, but I’m sure someone thought the same about putting pepper on cantaloupe.  You certainly can taste a peppery finish on this one, and it’s just as good as when you put pepper on pretty much anything.

Jeff and Claudia enjoying my company

Wake Up Dead Imperial Stout:  This is certainly the coupe-de-gras of the Left Hands in my opinion.  Describing it would be like describing a kiss by Shiva or one of Vishnu’s farts.  Sweet yet spicey.  Powerful yet modestly subtle.  Indescribable and somewhat at odds with itself.  

Rating:  500 out of 10 irrelevant numerical rating systems.

Oscar Blues (Lyons, CO)

The controversial theory of human evolution

Our post-Avery day was actually the first day we were hung over the entire trip.  Perhaps it was that mottled death cloud, perhaps it was the beer, but either way we took our first real day-off from beer snobbing to recuperate and reflect on the trip so far.  As of Avery we had polished off some +/- 42 pints collectively, which translates into seven gallons of beer over the course of a week.  Not bad, but we still had a long thirsty road ahead of us.

Oscar Blues is the brewer of Dales’ Pale Ale and Old Chub, the two beers you’re more apt to find in a liquor store throughout the West.  As far as Oscar Blues other beers goes, there were some hits and misses.  Fortunately it was Sunday, the day of which I celebrate football by sacrificing many beers at the inner sanctum of my gullet.

The Imperial Red

Mama’s little Yellow Pils:  Most Sundays during the last football season I steadily drank Lagunitas’ Pils, which has metastasized into a peculiar fondness and almost superstitious reliance on the beer.  The Little Yellow Pils wasn’t bad, but not good enough to sway the football gods from forsaking the Denver Broncos.  Then again, that team may need more than divine intervention.

Old Chub Skotch Ale:  Probably my favorite of Oscar Blues’ beers.  Strong and malty, thick and potent, even from a can.

photo of the photo of the Red

Oktoberfest:  Could this be it?  Could this at long last be the Oktoberfest to end all others?  Have I finally found that one alt beer that stands out amongst the rest and guide all us beer snobs into the light?  Hell no!  Another ambery fall beer that fails to impress or unimpress.  It’s as neutrally disappointing as it is refreshing.  How is it that so many different Oktoberfests can taste the same?  Why?  Why?

Imperial Red:  At first, when Ali got this beer, I was certain that this was actually Dale’s Pale, because it was so uncharacteristically non-red and deeply hoppy.  We even had the waitress cast the deciding taste.  Fortunately for us she thought it was the Deviant Dale’s Dbl. hopped ale and gave us another pint of the Imperial Red, which it was all along.  The beer may not be red, but it’s damned good.

Rating:  Oscar Blues= 34 out of 42 Galaga space bugs (but it gets an extra life because it has a vintage arcade room).

Avery Brewery (Boulder, CO)

Slightly less serious beer country.

We left Paonia two giant zucchinis richer, but now that we were clearing the grandeur of the I-70 mountain pass and heading for Denver, we knew that two zucchinis or not, we were heading for serious beer country.  Serious.  The larger Denver metropolitan area; including Boulder, Longmont, and Lyons, is host to enough breweries to either get all the cattle in Texas drunk for two nights or support a small pod of mythical beer dolphins for life.  And I’m not even talking about the Coors or Buttweiper breweries, I mean microbreweries only.  Serious beer country.

Well ahead of our arrival, we had been mapping and planning our conquest of this beer Mecca, and on the menu for the night was Avery Brewery in Boulder.  Avery had come highly recommended by numerous trusted sources, my older brother amongst them, who would be personally escorting us to the brewery.

Jeff about to explode with Bacchanalia

Our first impression of Avery was a mixed one.  At first I was intrigued by the twenty-odd taps along the wall and a beer list that could be confused for a novella.  Then I was confounded by what looked like a fraternity rush taking place at the bar.  Our waitress even had to excuse herself to go chug a beer with the boys before she could take our order.  Hmmm…

Fortunately another waitress stepped in to do some damage control, but either way we were left feeling slighted.  It got me thinking though of how we interact with beer.  The noisy, cursing patrons inside were doing exactly what most college kids do with beer: consume it to get drunk fast and maybe hook-up with someone…or something.  We on the other hand were there to snob the snobbiest of breweries, but it seemed our snobbery was grossly out of place!  What gives?  Does no one respect self-proclaimed and unqualified critics in this town?

This is good beer...except that one.

It just goes to show that despite the high quality of any beer, it’s only as good as the people drinking it.  As with food, cinema, music, and art in general, it all comes down to taste.  Some people either appreciate the subtle notes of caramel and coriander in a beer, and some people just don’t give a rat’s ass about it.  But no matter what it does for you, so long as you enjoy it, who’s to say whose taste is better than another’s?  Well, I guess I could:

Imperial Oktoberfest:  What?  Imperial?  Oktoberfest?  Beer?  Again, everyone wants to be hip and chic, and of course Avery’s got to one-up everyone and get the royal Czar of Oktoberland to piss in their beer.  Magical piss or not, its still good.

Brown:  Tastes like a drunken, wet dog.  Seriously.  Don’t ask me how I’d know what a drunken wet dog tastes like.  I drank the beer.  I know. 

A toxic cloud o'death's view of our beer

Salvation:  Tastes like the usual promises the clergy make when trying to win over converts:  bile. 

Mark of the Beast:  6 hops, 6 sugars, 6 barleys.  Six pints of this extraordinarily strong beer and you’ll need six days to work it off.  Black and potent. Be warned, this bad boy will eat your soul.

Eremite:  This was our first encounter with a sour beer.  At first I didn’t know what to think of it, but after a few sips, you come to enjoy it.  It’s brewed in old white wine barrels over the course of a few years, giving it a sparkling, sweet yet potently sour and tart champagne-like taste.  Good.

"EWWW! Get a room!"

Old Jubilator:  Despite of the cloud of rotting death that blew in from the Greenly feedlot in the East, this beer still managed to stand out as exceptionally good.  That’s kind of a big deal.  I mean stinking, thick, nightmarish cloud of death stench.  Satan’s diarrhea foul.   Yeah, that’s good beer.

Rating:  67 out of 89 sorority girls grossed-out by public displays of affection. 

Revolutionary Brewing (Paonia, CO)

I should make mention now that the MSR “hubba hubba” tent is the shit.  Though we may have enjoyed a pleasant night at the edge of a fierce mountain storm, that storm eventually made it off the hill and thoroughly dumped all over us.  We woke to find that we were practically floating in a puddle, but thanks to above mentioned product, we were still dry.  Again, I 100% approve of this product.

There is no good way to stay dry when packing up your superior tent though, and no lobster pot of a hot spring was going to serve to warm our sorrowful state.  We made for the highway, dripping and cursing, but never undone.  We knew Paonia and fresh brews awaited us somewhere down that road, and time was wasting just getting wet.

The Red and the Pale

Paonia (pronounced P’h-Oh-nee AH) is so damned cute it either belongs in a Disney movie where the farmers and their talking animals all live happily ever after, or in a horror movie where the farm animals turn into zombies and eat the farmers.  But just beyond the chic and fluffy wool covering your eyes is a brewery that will not conform to the oppressive norms of the status quo.  No no, Revolutionary Brewery seeks to redefine not only reality, but beer itself, and will not rest till the shackles of the oppressive beer oligarchy have been shed from the pints of the proletariat! 

Time to bring down the Man!

Really, Revolutionary Brewing is just as cute and quaint in its image as it is in its beer, but nonetheless produced some of the finer beers on our tour.  The brewery itself is likely no bigger than the room you’re sitting in right now, but its just the right size for planning your next big act to shake up the establishment.  In honor of Revolutionary’s progressive momentum, we decided to describe and judge their beers in an equally progressive way.  Instead of bowing to the grammatical rules that so rigidly define us and divide us, we will instead tear down these linguistic laws and speak in a wholly new and free language!

Red:  Beth's crotch hairs!  ?Wake up and bark like a hamburger?  We could go BOWLING!

Heffeweizen:  Backward spoken tap dance face!  Don’t camera up slither down stars into the waste bucket.  This is supposed to>de>wo>fillmeup?

Stout:  Giant gorilla hands selling me cupcake freedom!  If you want, I’ll book cheetahs for dinner!!!!!

"Who let this guy play?  UuuGH, terrible!"

Porter:  Time gun fired up a motor that eats the future!  Now go to sleep!  Go to sleep!  Go to sleep!  Go to sleep!

Pale Ale:  VN  IE nfw2 23ihf 43902 nw edn( 2w39 (W0efni N $23 $&(@ 72 89#$# *(G)9gf24gni?><?!!

Rating:  87&8 out of 129_-998 awkward silences while playing open mic night.

Colorado Boy (Ridgeway, CO)

Ouray is indeed a cute, quaint little mining town, but its no Orvis hot springs.  Outside of Ridgeway, about 10 miles north of Ouray, the Orvis hot springs allow their patrons to finally, FINALLY, get naked and soak their birthday suits till they’re lobster pink.   Go ahead and hang your inhibitions up with your clothes, because this tepid world rarely allows for opportunities to let it all hang out.  Fortunately for us, we were treated to a wonderfully calm evening floating around in the dark with other perfect strangers, just beyond the reach of the storm dusting the mountains behind us.

Fortunately for us as well, another brewery of fine repute was just down the road.  My first idea about the origin name for Colorado Boy was that it must be named after some kid that in 1885, was orphaned when his parents were tragically killed in an avalanche while pursuing their dreams of baggin’ fourteener peaks.  Instead of fearing the indifferent and monstrously satanic Rockies that claimed his parents, he set out to climb every peak in Colorado, and after defeating them all by the age of sixteen, went on to climb every peak in the country and also save a number of baby ducks (look for the inspiring true story out on DVD this fall).

 

But no, it’s instead named after a giant mine near by.  Yeah.  Giant, filthy, environmentally destructive and morally degrading mine.  If this brewery were smart, they’d roll with my story, never mind it’s completely false, but still, people want to buy a story of their product, not just the product.  Colorado Boy’s beer, back stories aside, still served up satanic-mountain-defeating’s worth of whoop ass.

Irish Red:  Their award winning red (as in Gold at the Great American Beer Festival), this beer is straight-up red, red like Rambo’s bandana, red like Karl Rove’s undies or Joseph Stalin’s birthday party balloons.  Red.  It’s also pretty good.

Alt-beir:  This is a different take on the Oktoberfest beers you typically find plaguing the beer world this time of year.  Everyone wants to be as authentic as possible, and so these guys imported their hops all the way from Germany.  According to some, unless your beer isn’t made in Munich, it aint Oktobeiry enough to be an Oktoberfest!  Whatever.  This beer is rich and caramel-sweet and at least stood out amongst many of the Oktoberfest beers we’d had on the trip.  I approve.

Rating:  23 out of 27 peculiarly non-awkward moments sitting naked next to someone in the hot springs.

Ouray Brewing (Ouray, CO)

Making your way from Durango to Ouray through Red Mountain Pass, you will be able to see one of the largest creatures on Earth: the giant amalgam complex of aspen trees that paint the mountain sides.  Aspens are all clones of themselves, putting up new trees from the roots of another nearby aspen.  In this way, aspen trees are all connected to one another, and are arguably the same tree, or the one of the largest complexes of living organisms on Earth.

Seeing them in early October, as their leaves turn from green to yellow, orange, and red, you might even think the forest around you was on fire.  But before I start hopelessly describing its grandeur and beauty, remember the ratio of words to pictures of beauty, and that pictures really don’t do it justice anyway.

Making it out of the pass just ahead of an incoming snow storm, we ponied up to the Ouray Brewing Co. in (Guess! Guess!) Ouray, Colorado.  Though Ouray Brewing has only been open for a year (2010) they’ve still managed to make a name for themselves as purveyors of finely crafted brews.

Blonde: Really good, and to date, probably the best yet.  Way better than that valley-girl from Ska.

Brown:   See, I told you brown ales could be good!  This beer stands out as the best brown ale to date.  If given the choice between drinking this beer or a glass of Hepatitis-C, I’d way rather drink this beer than that glass of poison.  Duh!

IPA:  Fruity, citrusy, and exceptionally hopped.  Either this beer’s just really good or that orange/brown water in the river from all the copper tailings has melted my taste buds.

Rating:  1 out of 1.2 serrated tourist traps.

Ska Brewery (Durango, CO)

Later that day, we made a slow mosey from Carver to the industrial park of Durango to find one of the larger-named breweries on our tour: Ska brewery.  Ska has certainly made a name for itself over the 15-odd years it’s been in business.  Though Ska and Steamworks opened around the same time, Ska has certainly pulled away as far as distribution and can be found in liquor stores and bars throughout the West. 

 

Though Ska does some good staple beers such as Pinstripe Red and Decadent IPA, their alternative or speacialty beers were found lacking in quality.  If you’re one for hoppier beers with a sweeter side to them, than Ska certainly struts its stuff, but as far as their other beers, we felt a little let down.  Nonetheless, not all breweries strive to have the best of ALL kinds of beers, and more often than not just stick to their guns, so if your drinking Ska anytime soon, consider the following.

Decadent IPA:  One of Ska’s staple beers, the Decadent shows up at parties in my mouth unannounced, with a grip of its skankster friends with gold teeth.  Yeah, by morning there will be holes in the cushions of your couch and Mom’s favorite lamp is broken, but damn if that wasn’t fun!

Organic Belgium Dubbel bock:  Dark, subtle, sensitive, charismatic.  “Shouts and yells at my mouth!  It throws hops at my tongue!”  Ali reserves the right to her own opinion about this beer, but I still think it’s alright. 

True Blonde Ale:  True blonde?  Please, I know highlights when I see them, and this beer is all phony.  Ali, being more a dirty and truer blonde (and more a fan of Nimbus’ Dirty Gurera) could only smirk and sneer at this bimbo-beer.  So light in taste and color, you’d almost think that the carbonation in this beer is an implant!  You’re better off saving some money and getting a 12-pack of PBR.

Buster Nut Brown Ale:  A lot of people who like brown ales support their choice in palate by referring to New Castle or Moosedrool, two popular and unimaginative brown ales.  They’re not bad, but not impressive, but that’s not to say brown ales can’t be good.  Indeed, many are, especially nut browns.  Ol’ Buster here isn’t bad, but falls into that category of being dark enough for people who associate with Bud Lite to drink around real beer drinkers and pretend like they’re cool and know a thing or two about beer.  Nice try, Buster, but no dice.

 

Ska Special ESB:  “Gaghhhhh!”  Ali certainly has a way of expressing herself and really hitting it on the head.  Truer words, Ali, truer words…

Rating:  4992—12 out of 54637.00001 Barbie doll eating sharks.